e-confidante: A string of broken thoughts

There is always a hundred and one things running through my mind and I want to share it. Everyone does. But over the years I have learned to build a protective wall. I feel almost scared to share some of my thoughts.

Life can sometimes get lonely. Despite the *3.digit.figure* no. of friends on Facebook and another *3.digit.figure* no. of friends who won't bow down to the pressure of social networking (or is a little mature, aged wise); sometimes I struggle to find someone.

Someone who --
* I can share just about anything and not feel embarrased or judged
** I won't feel like I have disrupted their busy schedule so they can listen to my rantings
*** Will walk by the beach with me for 3 hours and not feel the need to say a word
**** Will listen, talk if they have to, let me know that I am in the wrong and who will pray with me

Well, besides my sister, that is. Always there.

I am thankful for so many things. People are losing jobs. I, on the other hand, not only have a secure job but also another job offer. I have a choice - Others don't. I have a home to come back to each day, chasing the kids around on a Sunday, jamming with the Laos boys, breezy beach walks, good health, firm hope after death... Yet, I worry about not ever finding a life partner. It seems so trivial. And, somewhat too personal to share.

My (third) bridesmaid dress is being made. It is beautiful. I am looking forward to wearing it and seeing Jo marry the man that was always meant for her. I really don't think it is a fad - every girl dreams (or had dreamt) of the day when they walk down the aisle in their white dress to commit to the man who can offer them security and love. In return, we will submit ourselves to them, to make a home and to love our husbands the same. Every so often, I wonder if this is in God's plan for me. It can be a real struggle.

People say... "Jane, I can't wait till you have kids one day. You will be a good mother", "I can't believe that you don't have a boyfriend yet" -- It can get frustrating as it is hard to find someone. In fact, I don't want to be out there actively looking. Like a vulture hunting for food. It might sound foolish but I want to believe that if I am out there living a live that pleases my Maker... someday, somehow, just somehow... this struggle will end.

My fear is that I am heading in the 'wrong' direction. I sometimes find myself spending crazy hours each day studying and working. 5am start to each day travelling to the city and studying at a 24 hour McDonalds before I start working for the next 9-10 hours. I didn't even have to really look for my last jobs. They looked for me. I guess employers like nutcases.

This new job is something to look forward to. It is somewhat an escape route: the chance to travel, the chance to prove I can set something up from scratch and make it successful, and to work in an entirely different culture. Solomon Islands, Cocoa, villages, no luxuries whatsoever. Back to basics.

My string of broken thoughts... I am sure there is more to come.