2009 lived & gone

I am struggling to find words to describe this past year that has gone by.

Towards the end of the year, I was hoping time goes a bit faster so that I can see 2010 afresh. 2009 has been, in one sense, a triumphant year. Yes, I see God's blessings in many areas of life - but I am also sadden to see myself being so far from being the woman He wants me to be.

Looking back, it hasn't really been an easy year. In January, the family was hit with the dreadful news of ill health. All I remember of the 6 months following the operation was weekly hospital visits, medical paperwork, insurance claims, changing diets, answering people's loving questions... Not to mention changing jobs (again) only after 4 months with the Liberal Party, and having to study for my CPA while all that was happening. It was by only by God's grace that He can even give me the energy to serve Him in church and in RICE.

I was barely 'human' in the first half of the year. Can't remember too much of the first few months of 2009 except that I was constantly rushing between hospital, work and home. There were moments when I remember being rather cold, telling everyone to stop crying, be thankful and just get on with life! It wasn't intentionally to hurt my family but dwelling on the sad things doesn't do anything. Truth is, I was worried and tired - but to most people, I made sure that all they saw was the strong, positive side of me.

The Jane I know toughens up when the going gets tough until she crumbles inside. And sure enough... she crumbled. I crumbled. It was bound to happen and it needed to happen. God needed to remove the layers of the onion so that He could get deeper inside. I am not as 'strong' as I appear to be sometimes. He had to remind me that every ounce of my strength comes from Him.

In the midst of ALL these HooHaa, I acknowledge that it was only by His underserving favour that we were able to afford the medical bills and access good treatment facilities, get time off work for surgeon appointments, be surrounded by people's prayers, practical help and comfort, not only pass my exam but actually get an award for good performance. What a humbling experience it was to see God's provision and protection!!

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Psalm 121

¹ I lift up my eyes to the hills— where does my help come from?

² My help comes from the LORD,
the Maker of heaven and earth.

³ He will not let your foot slip—
he who watches over you will not slumber;

⁴ indeed, he who watches over Israel
will neither slumber nor sleep.

⁵ The LORD watches over you—
the LORD is your shade at your right hand;

⁶ the sun will not harm you by day,
nor the moon by night.

⁷ The LORD will keep you from all harm—
he will watch over your life;

⁸ the LORD will watch over your coming and going
both now and forevermore.

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It was time alone with God in the Solomons Islands that brought me back to my feet. I remember the quiet hours passing by as I sat watching the vast seas and the waves - this world that God made. Sitting and listening to my own heartbeat, most of the time not knowing what to say, just, "God..." and "Thank you God" and "I'm sorry God".

Little did I know, God was preparing me for a little surprise He got up his sleeves. He had Ed in the background. I came back from Solomons on a Friday night, for RICE on the Saturday. It was there we met, we connected and just when I wasn't expecting, God brought. The last few months of 2009 was filled with much joy in a new found relationship... Never have I understood what it felt like to be loved, and protected and cared for by a man. Ed told me in Melbourne that the best way to overcome fear is knowledge. But because we can't know everything, we have to trust in the All Knowing. Yes, I am still learning to trust God. And I will keep learning --

In the midst of a newfound joy in a relationship with Ed, I still am not satisfied. I am frustrated deep down because I know that I fall so short of God's glory. I want more, thirsting to know God in a very special way, to know His ever present Love and comfort. I don't want to pray just for the sake of praying but when I pray, I long to earnestly talk, pour out my joys, sorrows and worries to God. I long to come to a stage where I admire and stand in awe of His greatness everytime I think of Him. Lord God... I am yours. Take me as you find me - all my fears and failures - Fill my life again.